Calling it something else

Anti- opposed to; exerting energy in the opposite direction, or pursuing an opposite policy; one that is opposite in kind to; opposing or hostile to in opinion, sympathy, or practice; opposing in effect or activity

Bride: a woman just married or about to be married

The term “anti-bride” is a bit of a misnomer, don’t you think? I mean, I don’t know of any recently engaged women in the whole wide world who is (or can be by the definitions above) the OPPOSITE of, or OPPOSED to or even working ACTIVELY AGAINST almost being married. If you were opposed to getting married, you would have said no to the shiny bling on your ring finger there, sister. And so, by this logic, anyone who is engaged is a bride, and therefore cannot be an anti-bride (lest you have far more issues than I’ve the time or patience to discuss here.)

Now granted, I’m fully aware that some might say this logic is flawed. I’m also fully aware that when people say “anti bride” they don’t actually mean “one who is actively working against being married.” The common usage of the term anti-bride has evolved into something that quite frankly mostly refers to a bride who is not a high maintenance pain in the ass. Because somewhere in the very recent history of the world (I blame reality tv) being a bride automatically meant you were going to be a horrible, evil, unreasonable, demanding, self-centered, pretty-pink-princess who would much more likely be thrown down the aisle by her wedding party than walk down on her own two feet. And no one works toward actively being *that*.

And so anti-bride has come to mean actively working at not being a, well, high maintenance pain in the ass.

The term has always bothered me a little bit, but even so, I’ve often used it in describing myself. And that’s mostly because I am not now, nor do I plan in the foreseeable future ever to be a horrible, evil, unreasonable, demanding, self-centered, pretty-pink-princess (though the likelihood of my wedding party wanting to throw me down the aisle still clearly exists…just for other stuff.)

Wedding planning is complex. For so long people have been saying that it’s *my day* and that I should feel free to do whatever I want. I don’t buy that. That has always just sorta sounded to me like an excuse to be self-indulgent and self-centered. And it’s not all about me. It’s about my husband. It’s about our friends. It’s about our families. It’s about joining traditions and families and making our friends and families feel as officially joined as J and I will be. It’s not just all about what I want, it’s about what is going to make the day beautiful and sacred and amazing for everyone. If you *truly* didn’t care about anyone other than yourself, why would you have a wedding at all? I’ve often felt like having this sentiment-- this disinterest in being self-centered-- somehow made me a bad bride, an anti-bride.

I am not that girl, the fluffy one who’s been planning her wedding since she was a kid. I did not dress up in princess gowns. I did not imagine my life with a prince charming in a castle with a trusty steed. I own nothing pink (ok, that part’s not entirely true. But I hardly ever wear it.) Somewhere then, because these ideas of what a BRIDE is supposed to do and be didn’t really fit me, by default I became the “anti-bride.” But I gotta tell you, I’m not that guy either. We gotta call it something else.

Recently I was given a wedding planning binder by a friend of mine who had newly gotten hitched. She no longer needed it and decided to pass on its wisdom to me. It is called “The Anti-Bride’s Guide to Wedding Planning” or some such nonsense. I perused the pages of the kind gift, reading the chic and modern unusual wedding ideas. Annnnnd was inspired by nothing. I’m not really an outlandish bride, it turns out. I’m just not fluffy. There’s gotta be some in between.

Not long after that, another of my friends loaned me “The Offbeat Bride’s Guide to a Tulle-Free Wedding.” This book, while hilarious and well written ( I loved it, actually) wasn’t me either. I may not be a princess, but I’m also not having my wedding at a Burning Man event. (Though happily, I now know that should J and I decide to have a scuba diving wedding that the best way to accommodate our non-diving wedding guests is by renting a glass-bottomed boat and parking it *just* over-top the nuptials.)

I’ve been feeling like there must be a happy middle ground. I’m no Princess Di, but I’m also not planning on setting anything on fire sacrificially during the wedding (on purpose…). I have sorta seen the whole bride thing as being a continuum, with scuba-diving bride being a “1” and Cinderella being “10”. And I’ve been spending quite a bit of energy actively trying to figure out what “5” looks like. I just don’t want to be high maintenance. It’s not how I normally roll, and I can’t quite see how this event, even though a little more intense than most other life events, should change that about me. I don’t want to be too offbeat. I don’t want to be too princessy. I just want to be me, which has seemed a difficult category when talking about bridal-type things.

I guess I’ve been struggling to find my bride identity. (Even as I use the phrase “ my bride identity” I feel I’ve slipped closer to Bridezilla on the ol’ taking it all too seriously scale.) Somewhere resting comfortably between “stuff’s got to get done” and “the chic who only approaches you so that you’ll ask her questions about her wedding planning”-- that’s the sweet spot I’m looking for.

Yesterday, I received a gift, and an epiphany.

My friend JO sent me in the mail a wedding planning binder. Yes, that’s right friends. A shiny, new, info-filled, ziplock-pocket-for-storage-of-the-miscellaneous included, binder. In it, a note that said “I can’t imagine you of all people having a wedding that didn’t start first on paper, in color coded, alphabetized, all-in-one-place, organized fashion.” Office supplies for my wedding. Love at first sight.

I sat down, and as I read the pages, looked at the sections and fold outs and suggestions, it started to hit me. First there’s a lot to be done. Second, I can totally do it. And third, there is nothing wrong in my eyes with being *this* bride-- one that is on top of her game, informed, organized and prepared. These are things I can get behind. I am nothing if not a geek.

As I looked through the pages of this amazing binder (the best one I have seen out there on the market, for SURE) it classified brides in one of six different ways. Basically it was sorta like a bride quiz. “If you like THIS style of flowers, then you are a MODERN bride…if you like THIS style of dress then you are a ROMANTIC bride” etc., etc. And then once you sorta started to figure out what track you lived in there were planning suggestions that went along with (statements like, “If you’re thinking about this venue, then these flowers, with this sort of menu are a nice match.”) I was comforted in knowing that I actually *did* consistently, across the board, with every decision I had already made, fall into the same category. Evidently, I am a “classic” bride. This terminology, much better to me than just “BRIDE” or especially the “ANTI-BRIDE” fit me nicely and made me quite happy.

It was nice to know that there was actually a middle ground between princess and offbeat. I’m classic. And there are obviously others out there who feel similarly (or it wouldn’t be a whole section of the binder.) I’m not a weirdo. I’m classic. I’ll go ahead and be a classic bride: free of drama and demand, full of love for everyone (not just me) not too offbeat, not too traditional. Just classic. I’ll not be referring to myself as the anti-bride any longer. Not only does it not make sense, it clearly doesn’t really describe me. Finally my continuum “5”: Classic. I like it.

As I closed the binder last night, smile on my face, happy to have stumbled into my bride identity, I couldn’t stop singing Frank Sinatra. (Such a CLASSIC bride thing to do, don’t you think?) My wedding may not be crazy or fancy or uber romantic, but at the end of the day, I can truly and comfortably say, I faced it all and I stood tall… I did it my way. Classically.