And so it continues...

It’s been three weeks since I last wrote here. And even though it’s been quite some days, I find myself with little to say this evening. Mostly it’s because I have had an insane and eventful last 72 hours (more on that in a later post) and I’m whipshit tired physically and mentally and emotionally. Seriously, I fell asleep tonight sitting on the couch (not laying, sitting) while sorting papers. At any rate, even though I must close my eyes for sleeping very soon, I also realize that writing something like a blog takes discipline and (as my parents would have said) “stick-to-it-tive-ness.” I love writing this blog and I *need* to write this blog for my sanity, so I’m gonna push on through the tired and put some words down tonight before I fall asleep. (This is thinly veiled code for “not my best work.”)

I put J on an airplane on Sunday morning. We had 15 days together. Fifteen amazing, hilarious, fun, touching, happy, busy days. We did not sit still for even one minute. We went to a professional football game; watched baseball in local watering holes; played miniature golf; traveled to DC and Baltimore and Philly and NYC to see friends, look for jobs, go to comedy clubs, dine with family, and just generally enjoy having the freedom to go anywhere we wanted to, and to do so together.

And wow did we eat and drink like it was our job. (If ever in Philadelphia with nothing much to do and a great hunger in the belly, please get yourself to a place called Parc in Rittenhouse Square. Get an outdoor table that faces the fountain and spend your day sipping a nice wine while people watching and eating the cranberry walnut bread. You will not be sorry.)

We knocked out some super serious wedding planning. We now have a church and a priest. We have a reception venue and a cake and a deejay. We picked out our invitations and our wedding bands. Seems that this wedding thing is totally on the level. It really is going to happen. Look out.

We did a lot of future planning, too, which felt so natural and comfortable and exciting. We looked for jobs that would enable us to live in the *GASP* same city. We looked for houses to live in TOGETHER *IN* said cities. We spent countless hours telling stories to our friends that started with “When we are married,…” or “When we have kids,…”We dreamed about what’s next together. And it was lovely.

But mostly, we laughed. Communicating primarily over short phone calls and emails over the last 7 months, I had forgotten what kind of chemistry we have and the way that we banter back and forth when we’re face to face and have unlimited time for a conversation. I hadn’t really been able to pinpoint the fact that that was missing…that it was perhaps stunting our conversations a bit. But I’m a pretty funny girl (if I do say so myself.) And J is quite frankly hilarious (I’ll deny that I ever said that if pressed.) But together? We’re the Comedy Team Of. I bet we spend a full third of our time together just laughing. Laughing at ourselves. Laughing at each other. Making the other one laugh with silliness and tomfoolery and wordplay.

I have to say that when I thought about J on leave, I was a little trepidatious. What would the adjustment time be like? Would he be tired all the time? Distant? Anxious? Distracted? Want to do nothing but sleep? Want to do nothing but run around wildly doing all the things he can’t do Over There? And honestly, there was a little of that in the first couple of days. But mostly what this trip home reminded me of was how unbelievably, just, good we are. Even when I’m stressing over wedding plans (yes, I’ll admit that happened once where I got a little bride-zilla crazy) and even when he is recovering from a 5 day, 5 airport, no shower trip home from a war zone, being with J is… well, it’s just easy.

That seems a strange thing to say, that we’re “easy.” (Watch it there, smartasses.) But I think it highlights for me why we work. Sure we have our moments. I’m sure I drive him crazy. And there are times I want to smack him upside the head. But we just kinda fit. And when we’re together it’s easy to see that this is the real deal. And that’s comforting. I love him. I trust him. I appreciate him. I respect him. And wow, does he make me laugh. I’m not sure what else a girl can ask for. I was really happy that leave reminded me of all those things. I’m not sure that absence makes the heart grow fonder per se, but it definitely makes you appreciate good quality face-time.

In case you were wondering, the “putting your significant other on a plane to go back to Over There” does not get easier the more times you do it. I cried like a big dumb dope at the airport just like one might expect. But I do have to say this: This time, I feel more reassured. We have made it over the hump. Less time left than has passed. And we’ve already established a routine. I know what to expect. And he swears to me that he’s in a safe place doing a safe thing and that a US morning commute in a major city holds as much danger as what he does.

I don’t even care if he’s lying. It is those thoughts that are gonna keep me going for the next 5ish months. (For the record, I believe him.) Knowing what to expect helps. Knowing where he is and what he’s doing helps. Knowing that he is relatively safe helps. And knowing that what we have is good and strong and that upon his return we will start a wildly exciting new adventure together, laughing all the while, helps a lot.

The very first entry here was called “And so it begins…” and it was full of doubt and worry and fear and uncertainty. After our fifteen days together, I’m calling this entry “and so it continues.” But it’s different. Better. Not easier in terms of distance or being separated by so damned much of it, but at least it’s more familiar. And the glimpses I saw this last few weeks of what’s next makes every minute of this time a little more bearable.