I don' NEEEEEED you!

If we’re making a list of days since J left that I have felt like I needed him to “have my back”, I would have placed today right at the top of the list.

First. A lady from HR called to tell me that there was a major, major, snafu with my retirement fund contribution. And by snafu, they meant “whoops we’ve forgotten to take that out of your paycheck” …for the last 9 months (yes, you read that correctly). I sat there in disbelief, teetering on the edge of rage, ready to storm the 8/ 10 of a mile between my office and the HR building (a place I’ve already spent *several* hours earlier this year when they “whoops”-ed my medical benefits) for some face-to-face time with these “powers that be.” (And by face-to-face time I mean, raising some holy hell.) Pant. Pant. Pant.

But instead, I took a deep breath. I took a walk around the building. And then I returned to my office, wrote a well-worded, pointed but respectful(ish) email to people that could help change the situation (P.S. I never…never, sign my emails with “Dr.” or any sort of uptight title. Today, I got huffy. Today I was definitely a P-H-D. Dammit.) Then I scheduled a couple of meetings for later in the week…for when I had cooled down... a lot….and could have a conversation with them all free of snarkiness (and obscenities).

Unrelated, but equally concerning…Later in the day, I got an email from a student who was getting totally worked over by the bureaucracy that comes from large education systems. I felt her pain. I really did. I appreciated the injustices involved in her situation. I could hear the angst in her voice. And while I’m certain there was a degree of that which could have been labeled teen-aged drama, she totally pulled (quite effectively, I might add) every one of my heart strings. And then, well, THEN I was told by several very important people that nothing could be done about this lost cause and to just let it go. Note, dear reader: Never tell me that there’s nothing to be done about an injustice with one of my students.

And so instead of giving up on it, I practiced a little creative insubordination: started analyzing the situation from every different angle, trying to figure out the other guy’s motive and the best way to appeal to his rational side (or let’s be honest, I was shooting for tapping his emotional side)…in a little bit of a sneaky fashion. I definitely gave the kid some advice on working the system (Relax kililer…it was nothing crazy, unethical or illegal…just some, um, creative ways to find a better solution).

After all this silly business of the day, I found myself at the gym, humming a Josh Groban tune (don’t judge me) that J and I listen to every once in awhile (but never admit to doing). In the locker room I pulled on my gym shirt (it was one of J’s old Army PT shirts) and my gym socks (those were J’s too, that I borrowed last time I was at his place. Note: I own zero, zero, pairs of socks that don’t have holes in the toes. Special thanks to my Mother and all the woman on that side of the family for bestowing upon me the Morton’s Toe gene, that makes my second toe look a lot like E.T. craning his head through a turtleneck, and which thusly pokes a large toe-hole straight through every pair of socks I own. Another plus for flip flops, by the way, if you’re keeping a list).

As I jumped onto the treadmill for today’s workout installment of the Deployment Diet, I thought back over my day and chuckled a bit. It occurred to me: I don’t NEED J here with me-- because quite evidently he is here in the things I do each day regardless of his physical location. That sneaky little bugger has crept in and become a part of my thinking process (Curses!) It was his voice in my head that told me to relax and not go postal on the HR department. And holy crap- I had Red Teamed my entire afternoon (look it up). I was even currently wearing his clothes.

I’m not sure why this comforted me so. J and I often, when we’re play-fighting pull out the phrase “I don’ neeeed you!” as one of our go-to taunts. It occurred to me today that that on some level that might be a little bit right. The truth is, he’s already done his damage there in my noggin’. He’s there, helping me along, influencing my thoughts, and supporting my decisions every step of the way. Sneaky little punk.