Balance and Timing

Once upon a time there was an episode of “I Love Raymond” (or whatever it's called) in which Deborah wanted her husband Ray out of the house so that she could have a day alone. Once alone, Deborah put on some super sad music, and spent the afternoon crying. Nothing was wrong- she just thought it was cathartic. Ray, while spying on his wife saw all this, thought his wife was crazy, and that he was driving her to cry. She explained to him that sometimes, a girl just needs to cry. He did not understand this concept. Hilarity ensued.

I’m feeling a little like that these days (and by that, I mean both of the people in the above scenario simultaneously…interestingly enough). I got up feeling just fine this morning. But I was definitely very thoughtful and introspective. Not just J related, but generally- missing old friends, thinking about life, the future, the wedding, all that is in front of us. And as I looked forward to the changes that are to come, I thought about the changes that have led me to today: Relationships come and gone, intense friendships that have subsided- not due to interest or intent necessarily, but merely due to changing ideals, changing lifestyles, moves, and the steady passing of time. I missed Mom today, too.

When I got to work I decided it was definitely a music day. (Some days I don’t bother with music in the office, but on the days when I’m in my head and I need distracted…or uplifted…or transported, I definitely put on some tunes.) Here’s the kicker though. I have Pandora on my computer. I love Pandora. Pandora has saved my backside from boredom, sleepiness, and/or severe ADD on more occasions than I can count. With ALL those songs and stations to choose from (I have a Linkin Park station. I have a Latin Jazz station. I have a Big Band station. I have an 80’s Arena/ Hair Rock station- all of these are happy stations) why I chose instead to listen to a homemade CD entitled “Songs that Make me Think of You” is beyond me. But whadda ya know. That’s what I did.

First off, J has my permission to kick my butt when he gets home for making such a CD in the first place. In an attempt to save money and be “sweet” and “romantic” I made him a mix CD for Valentine’s Day (Wow…that’s even cheesier in writing then when I gave it to him for Valentine’s Day. Apparently, I’m in junior high…circa 1987. I don’t even need J to kick my butt. I’m gonna beat myself up.)

I put the CD into my player this morning and came to an interesting discovery: Evidently, the “Songs That Make me Think of Him” are all unbelievably sad and have to do with making things work across long distances and being soo*in love you don’t know what to do with yourself. Um. Really? Gah. Sometimes I surprise even myself with my sentimentality. (And by sentimentality, I mean CHEESE.)

* Don’t you think when you’re using the word “so” as a modifier describing the degree to which one thing is in relation to something else that it should be spelled with two o’s? Like you would say “So, anyway” and “that was soo silly”? Just like to v. too. This is one of many mysteries of the English Language I’m looking to crack. I’m on a bit of a personal crusade for the change of spelling to “soo”. I digress.

Suddenly, here I am, sitting at my desk, writing lesson plans, and blubbering like a baby through these stupid songs, tapping into an emotion I didn’t even know was there. I didn’t think I needed to cry. I didn’t think I was emotional. I’m fine! I’m strong! (right?) I’m not sure I completely understand what it was all about or where it came from.

But then, much to my amazement, I realized that since I said goodbye to J two weeks ago, I haven’t cried. I had my tears with J, pulled it together, came home, and suddenly became the stoic, focused, ever-strong Army spouse. I have actually taken great pride in this fact.

I’m figuring out that there’s probably a balance in all this…and some proper timing. It’s ok to cry on occasion, just not every time someone says J’s name. It’s important to be strong, but that doesn’t have to be every second of every day (though at work, in my office with the door shut, between student appointments, is likely not the time either). Sometimes, I’m gonna need to cry, and I can’t hold that as being weakness, but rather as being human.

And then, well, then I need to be done. And change the CD.

I’m off now to listen to Ben Folds, to jam out to music that always *always* makes me smile and think of good times, as I appreciate his genius, think fondly of J, and continue with the regular business of another normal day. Totally balanced.