Balance and Timing

Once upon a time there was an episode of “I Love Raymond” (or whatever it's called) in which Deborah wanted her husband Ray out of the house so that she could have a day alone. Once alone, Deborah put on some super sad music, and spent the afternoon crying. Nothing was wrong- she just thought it was cathartic. Ray, while spying on his wife saw all this, thought his wife was crazy, and that he was driving her to cry. She explained to him that sometimes, a girl just needs to cry. He did not understand this concept. Hilarity ensued.

I’m feeling a little like that these days (and by that, I mean both of the people in the above scenario simultaneously…interestingly enough). I got up feeling just fine this morning. But I was definitely very thoughtful and introspective. Not just J related, but generally- missing old friends, thinking about life, the future, the wedding, all that is in front of us. And as I looked forward to the changes that are to come, I thought about the changes that have led me to today: Relationships come and gone, intense friendships that have subsided- not due to interest or intent necessarily, but merely due to changing ideals, changing lifestyles, moves, and the steady passing of time. I missed Mom today, too.

When I got to work I decided it was definitely a music day. (Some days I don’t bother with music in the office, but on the days when I’m in my head and I need distracted…or uplifted…or transported, I definitely put on some tunes.) Here’s the kicker though. I have Pandora on my computer. I love Pandora. Pandora has saved my backside from boredom, sleepiness, and/or severe ADD on more occasions than I can count. With ALL those songs and stations to choose from (I have a Linkin Park station. I have a Latin Jazz station. I have a Big Band station. I have an 80’s Arena/ Hair Rock station- all of these are happy stations) why I chose instead to listen to a homemade CD entitled “Songs that Make me Think of You” is beyond me. But whadda ya know. That’s what I did.

First off, J has my permission to kick my butt when he gets home for making such a CD in the first place. In an attempt to save money and be “sweet” and “romantic” I made him a mix CD for Valentine’s Day (Wow…that’s even cheesier in writing then when I gave it to him for Valentine’s Day. Apparently, I’m in junior high…circa 1987. I don’t even need J to kick my butt. I’m gonna beat myself up.)

I put the CD into my player this morning and came to an interesting discovery: Evidently, the “Songs That Make me Think of Him” are all unbelievably sad and have to do with making things work across long distances and being soo*in love you don’t know what to do with yourself. Um. Really? Gah. Sometimes I surprise even myself with my sentimentality. (And by sentimentality, I mean CHEESE.)

* Don’t you think when you’re using the word “so” as a modifier describing the degree to which one thing is in relation to something else that it should be spelled with two o’s? Like you would say “So, anyway” and “that was soo silly”? Just like to v. too. This is one of many mysteries of the English Language I’m looking to crack. I’m on a bit of a personal crusade for the change of spelling to “soo”. I digress.

Suddenly, here I am, sitting at my desk, writing lesson plans, and blubbering like a baby through these stupid songs, tapping into an emotion I didn’t even know was there. I didn’t think I needed to cry. I didn’t think I was emotional. I’m fine! I’m strong! (right?) I’m not sure I completely understand what it was all about or where it came from.

But then, much to my amazement, I realized that since I said goodbye to J two weeks ago, I haven’t cried. I had my tears with J, pulled it together, came home, and suddenly became the stoic, focused, ever-strong Army spouse. I have actually taken great pride in this fact.

I’m figuring out that there’s probably a balance in all this…and some proper timing. It’s ok to cry on occasion, just not every time someone says J’s name. It’s important to be strong, but that doesn’t have to be every second of every day (though at work, in my office with the door shut, between student appointments, is likely not the time either). Sometimes, I’m gonna need to cry, and I can’t hold that as being weakness, but rather as being human.

And then, well, then I need to be done. And change the CD.

I’m off now to listen to Ben Folds, to jam out to music that always *always* makes me smile and think of good times, as I appreciate his genius, think fondly of J, and continue with the regular business of another normal day. Totally balanced.

I don' NEEEEEED you!

If we’re making a list of days since J left that I have felt like I needed him to “have my back”, I would have placed today right at the top of the list.

First. A lady from HR called to tell me that there was a major, major, snafu with my retirement fund contribution. And by snafu, they meant “whoops we’ve forgotten to take that out of your paycheck” …for the last 9 months (yes, you read that correctly). I sat there in disbelief, teetering on the edge of rage, ready to storm the 8/ 10 of a mile between my office and the HR building (a place I’ve already spent *several* hours earlier this year when they “whoops”-ed my medical benefits) for some face-to-face time with these “powers that be.” (And by face-to-face time I mean, raising some holy hell.) Pant. Pant. Pant.

But instead, I took a deep breath. I took a walk around the building. And then I returned to my office, wrote a well-worded, pointed but respectful(ish) email to people that could help change the situation (P.S. I never…never, sign my emails with “Dr.” or any sort of uptight title. Today, I got huffy. Today I was definitely a P-H-D. Dammit.) Then I scheduled a couple of meetings for later in the week…for when I had cooled down... a lot….and could have a conversation with them all free of snarkiness (and obscenities).

Unrelated, but equally concerning…Later in the day, I got an email from a student who was getting totally worked over by the bureaucracy that comes from large education systems. I felt her pain. I really did. I appreciated the injustices involved in her situation. I could hear the angst in her voice. And while I’m certain there was a degree of that which could have been labeled teen-aged drama, she totally pulled (quite effectively, I might add) every one of my heart strings. And then, well, THEN I was told by several very important people that nothing could be done about this lost cause and to just let it go. Note, dear reader: Never tell me that there’s nothing to be done about an injustice with one of my students.

And so instead of giving up on it, I practiced a little creative insubordination: started analyzing the situation from every different angle, trying to figure out the other guy’s motive and the best way to appeal to his rational side (or let’s be honest, I was shooting for tapping his emotional side)…in a little bit of a sneaky fashion. I definitely gave the kid some advice on working the system (Relax kililer…it was nothing crazy, unethical or illegal…just some, um, creative ways to find a better solution).

After all this silly business of the day, I found myself at the gym, humming a Josh Groban tune (don’t judge me) that J and I listen to every once in awhile (but never admit to doing). In the locker room I pulled on my gym shirt (it was one of J’s old Army PT shirts) and my gym socks (those were J’s too, that I borrowed last time I was at his place. Note: I own zero, zero, pairs of socks that don’t have holes in the toes. Special thanks to my Mother and all the woman on that side of the family for bestowing upon me the Morton’s Toe gene, that makes my second toe look a lot like E.T. craning his head through a turtleneck, and which thusly pokes a large toe-hole straight through every pair of socks I own. Another plus for flip flops, by the way, if you’re keeping a list).

As I jumped onto the treadmill for today’s workout installment of the Deployment Diet, I thought back over my day and chuckled a bit. It occurred to me: I don’t NEED J here with me-- because quite evidently he is here in the things I do each day regardless of his physical location. That sneaky little bugger has crept in and become a part of my thinking process (Curses!) It was his voice in my head that told me to relax and not go postal on the HR department. And holy crap- I had Red Teamed my entire afternoon (look it up). I was even currently wearing his clothes.

I’m not sure why this comforted me so. J and I often, when we’re play-fighting pull out the phrase “I don’ neeeed you!” as one of our go-to taunts. It occurred to me today that that on some level that might be a little bit right. The truth is, he’s already done his damage there in my noggin’. He’s there, helping me along, influencing my thoughts, and supporting my decisions every step of the way. Sneaky little punk.