Gestalt

26 weeks left
27 weeks completed
Just days until mid-tour leave
0 pounds lost
28 pounds total
11ish months until the wedding

I have had a frustrating last few weeks (perhaps you picked up on that, no?) Life is crazy. Job is crazy. (Possibly, I’m crazy…) Worrying about J more than usual. Indiscriminately being angry with and snapping at people. And there was that one crying day (Yeeouch.) The longing for something else, anything else to give me a different perspective—a new job, a new city, a new place to live, a new mission, a new focus. Something. Anything. Waiting. (Any minute now, my ship is coming…I keep checking the horizon…)

One of the clichés I hate most in the world is the old one about being able to see the forest for the trees. I can’t put my finger on why I don’t like it. I get the image. I actually appreciate the image. But when people say it, I sorta always mentally roll my eyes (wow…I hope it’s mentally. If not, I have offended myriad folks by rolling my eyes at them while they speak. My bad.)

Maybe it’s because that seems to be the “go-to” proverb: Everybody feels free to use it regardless of whether or not they really know what it means. Maybe it’s because I’m a detail person who thrives on seeing the little stuff (typos in this blog site aside…) Maybe it’s because I actually really like trees, and have no problem studying each one individually. Maybe it’s because I truly believe in the unique character of each being necessary to build said forest and thinking of it ONLY as a collective draws attention away from the individuals vital for it to exist. (Or mayhaps, today I’m just looking to pick a fight about something ridiculous like a proverb?)

At any rate, for a long time I’ve tried to figure out some other way to say “Hey dummy, time to focus on the big picture even though the little bits are important, too” because I’m trying not to use the other phrase if I can help it. I guess I could use the *second* most overused proverb/ cliché on Earth for basically the same idea (though this one at least comes from a legit piece of literature): “Lose the battle to win the war.” At any rate, both of these little gems deal with being able to put aside the little stuff for a hot second and think about the big picture.

(Maybe… “Lucky Charms isn’t all about the marshmallows. It’s just a good bowl of cereal.” Hmmm…I’m taking suggestions. )

I bring this up because with all the drama of life right now (I hate drama, by the way) I have been super focused on the intimate details of three things: Getting a new job, bringing J safely home to me for his leave, and well, also getting a new job. My days are spent counting down the moments until I see J; or have a wedding; or until I find something else (Waiting for my real life to begin…) I step on the scale every.single.day to see if I have even lost one more ounce on the way to my goal weight… on the journey toward the dream dress. Details and counting down. I have written 64 *separate* cover letters that are packed with details and specifics. Each day, I consume myself with minutiae to pass the time. As the old saying about patience goes, “the secret of patience is doing something else in the meanwhile.”

That has most definitely been my strategy for J’s deployment. Stay busy. Stay focused on something else. And try not to notice the excruciatingly slow passage of time. Details. Details. Details. Just not about deployment. Details about anything else. Concentrating on the details about other things was one of the major thrusts of starting this blog. Let’s talk about J, sure. But let’s also talk about something else. Lots of something else. Any other detail I could come up with to pass the time.

It was this morning when I started writing this blog that I got the first glimpse of the proverbial Forest. Or of the proverbial Winning of the War. (Or the proverbial whole bowl of Lucky Charms?) Today, we have officially shifted over to the other side. As of today there has been more time logged Over There than what he has left to serve. We’re half-way through. We have made it half-way. Today, our engagement, a long one, which would last 22 whole months, moved inside (almost) the 11 month mark. There is now less time until we are married than since we got engaged. And although I did not lose any weight this week, I have lost twenty-eight whole pounds since I last saw J. That’s better than a pound a week. I’m more than half-way to my goal weight and my dream dress.

How’s that for taking a step back and gaining some perspective?

And so yes, this week, waiting for J to come home for his leave is going to be long and excruciating (how many times can I use that word in one post? Better put it on the list…) And yes, I’m disappointed I didn’t lose any weight this week. And that he’s still not home yet. And that I still don’t have a new job. But for just a split second, I’m going to look at the whole picture, and say, Holy Crap. We’re over halfway there (Oh, OH, Living on a Prayer…!)

One of my favorite words used by pretentious people trying to sound important is the word “gestalt.” If I had a nickel for every time I have seen it used by people in academe and the media trying to be very intellectual, I’d be a millionaire. If I had to give a nickel back every time it was used correctly in a sentence, um, I’d still be a millionaire. (As a funny aside, the same friend that I had the running bet with about working the words “blunderbuss” and “zeitgeist” into all our grad school papers and I allowed bonus points if we could correctly jam “gestalt” in there, too.)

Gestalt basically means a complete picture. Taking all things into consideration, and having one final image. The sum of the parts being greater than the whole, and yet, you’ve got to have all the parts or the picture isn’t complete. A person’s gestalt is their overall being drawn from all their life experiences (I’m paraphrasing a bit here…maybe that’s why it’s so hard to use for people…because it sorta feels like a vague term from another language that English speakers don’t quite have a word for…) But I do think I like “gestalt” better than all this forest and trees mumbo jumbo.

I basically think of gestalt like A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte: pointillism at its finest. But rather, pointillism in a person’s life. Lots of little happenings and experiences that if you step back far enough, blend together to paint a perfect overall picture of a person’s existence, one that explains completely why they act they way they do and feel the way they feel. This is a nice image to me.

It is said that Georges Seurat spent over two years, point by tedious point, painting Sunday. I feel a little like Georges today. Having spent the last six months point, by painful, wretched point, painting a picture of what, ultimately, my life might look like someday when all this waiting was over. And I’ve been lost in those details. But today, I stepped back for just a moment and looked at how the whole painting was coming along. And so far, all things considered, I have to say, it’s coming along quite nicely.

And so yes, I still wait, struggling each day to refine the art of patience, while under my breath I repeat the mantra “soo soo soon.” But let’s pause just for a minute and look at the forest…the war…the bowl of cereal. We are *officially*, on all fronts, over half way there.

My gestalt may not yet be totally complete, but I am happy to report that I like the colors I’m using to paint the picture. And the portrait of our life story may not hang permanently on the wall of the Art Institute of Chicago, but I think it’s going to look LOVELY over our fireplace.