Resolve

44 weeks left
1 pound lost (18 total)
16(ish) months until the wedding

I have a dear friend who is a blogger (actually she is so much more than a blogger. She is this amazingly gifted, stunningly gorgeous, singer, actress, comic, poet, human being.) She is an INFINITELY more beautiful writer than I am. Her posts are always so rich with language and symbolism-- lush images, poignant text, and such profound insights that after I read each and every one of them, I feel like I have just finished devouring a gourmet four course meal of words- utterly sated and all the better for having indulged.

A few weeks ago she wrote an incredible post about words that she loved--her favorites to write, to hear, to speak. And then she asked we readers to tell her what our favorite words were. This has caused me pause for lo these many days. What are my favorite words? I don’t know if I’d ever thought about favorites. I definitely have a list of words that I DON’T like. Beyond the heavy-duty ugly dirty curse words that lots of people dislike, you’ll never hear me use the word moist (it actually oogs me out a little bit just to write. J likes to try and trick me into situations that force me to use it, e.g. like asking me about the things you use at a picnic or after eating messy hot wings to clean off your hands. By the way, in my household those will always be called Handi-wipes and nothing else. I digress.) I additionally dislike the word seep. I’ll avoid use of the word ointment if at all possible. And I have a very hard time finding a word to refer to ladies’ undergarments that doesn’t make me a little uncomfortable.

But favorites? Now there’s something that I hadn’t much thought about. Sure, there are some words that are just fun to say for the novelty value (like onamonapia.) I love the word plethora (insert pretentious, possibly British accent here.) I like the words catalyst and myriad. I really like to use the word intrepid (a lot) because it means being bold and brave and fearless. And doesn’t everyone want to be described as intrepid? One of my best friends from grad school and I had a running bet with one another that we could fit the words “zeitgeist” and “blunderbuss” into all of our graduate school papers. (We lived life on the edge, obviously. I came damn close to doing it, too, by the way. But seriously, blunderbuss isn’t as easy as you might think.)

But a *favorite* word? I thought and thought. Finally after much serious deliberation and careful consideration of my vast (obviously) vocabulary, I have decided that my very favorite word in all the land is RESOLVE (and all derivations thereof: Resolute; Resolution. Resolved.)

I like the word for many reasons. First, I appreciate the fact that it is multi-faceted: has many forms, many meanings; can be a noun or a verb; describe an action, or proudly stand all by itself. (I like my words to be versatile- Makes crossword puzzles more fun and punnery* easier.) But more than that, I actually genuinely like every single connotation of the word (and how often can you say that about anything?)

*punnery- the art of the construction of a pun, also affectionately known as word play

To solve.
To separate.
To declare by firm decision.

A person who is said to be resolved, is a person at peace.

A person who makes a resolution is firm in her belief of making a change for good.

A person who is resolute is determined, steadfast, and strong.

As you’ve probably gathered by my not-so-subtle, oh-so-thinly-veiled, angst-ridden recent posts, I’ve got quite a lot up in the air currently, especially as it pertains to my job. Right now, I am desperately seeking resolution. But, I think I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way to truly find resolution, is by being both resolved and resolute: The only way that I’m going to be able to make it through this particular brand of change is by remaining at peace with what comes next, and by being determined, steadfast, and strong. It’s then (and only then) that resolution can be possible.

One of my best friends who’s been riding this wave of uncertainty with me these last few days made the most profound comment to me yesterday, probably without even knowing that he had done so. When he asked about the craziness in my workplace of late, I calmly and rationally told him that I had had my 48 hour freak-out-pity-party, and that now, I had to pull it together, because it was time to fix it, change it, and move on. “Feeling miserable isn’t going to solve this. I gotta be done with that helpless self-indulgent business and work it out already.”

He chuckled. “You’re back. I like this version of you. I love it when you’re in determination mode. It’s when you’re at your best.”

Thanks for that, friend. I needed to be reminded that I AM in my wheelhouse now. And you’re right: the intrepid version of me has in fact stepped back up to the plate. And I’m feeling more resolute than ever.