I don't even care

43 weeks left
4 pounds lost (22 total)
16(ish) months until the wedding

(Just to be clear…I have no idea how I lost 4 pounds this week. I didn’t do anything different or special. And I swear I ate. Maybe my body is just getting into the Atkins/ South Beach diet groove. Believe me, I’m not complaining, it’s just... wow.)

There’s a standup comedian named Dane Cook (I’m sure most of you already know this guy…and if you don’t, now is probably not really the time to pick him up.) At any rate he’s very funny and very vulgar and a bit of an acquired taste in comedy. I’m not a huge fan overall, but he does one stand-up bit that I think is hysterical. It’s about a couple who is having a “nothing” fight, that is, a fight about absolutely nothing at all. Basically, they are to the hating-each-other point in the relationship and really just want an excuse to scream at one another in public (in his stand-up it’s about a couple at the grocery store trying to decide whether or not to purchase jam. Hilarity ensues.)

This whole bit is about how the woman keeps asking for the man’s opinion and he keeps saying “I don’t care. I don’t even care.” (Though to be accurate, and much funnier, you should know that the word “care” is dragged out as long as possible and is pronounced like “kerr”, and is said in the *most* exasperated voice one could muster. i.e. long, deep exhale of breath followed by “I don’t even kerrrrrrr.”)

This tagline has made its way into J’s and my vocabulary, mostly when one of us asks for the other’s opinion on something and we truly have no preference. “What do you want for dinner tonight honey?” “I don’t…. kerrrr… I don’t even kerrrrrrrrrr.” And it makes us laugh and we move on.

I found that this week at work, this was the phrase that occupied my head space. And just like if J was there saying it to me, I laughed every time it came and went through my head.

When I first realized that the ol’ 3-year plan had gone to hell in a handbasket, I was pretty angry (I believe the phrase “sold a bill of goods” crossed my lips…several times.) And then I was offended (how dare they!?) And then I was sad (because I really do like my job and I love my students.) And then I was sympathetic (because honestly, the people delivering this information to me really were caught in the middle- great people who were frustrated on my behalf but who had very little power or say over the outcome of it all…and I knew that.) And then I got desperate and felt anxious and trapped. I HAD to find a new job NOW! And I was cranky and scared and not very nice to people (sorry friends.) And man did I miss J. I just wanted him here to tell me it was all going to be ok (or at least to be able to tell me where he thought we’d be located next so I could begin to readjust said 3- year plan accordingly.)

But then somehow, at some point, for no particular reason at all, I just kinda let it all go. Maybe it was that I realized I didn’t really have any control over the situation anyway and that worry wasn’t getting me anywhere or doing anyone any good. Maybe it’s that I found my faith again-- faith in the universe unfolding as it should and being lead in the right direction for something bigger and better. (I realized I was going to be totally fine. I would land on my feet. I always do.) Maybe it was hearing J tell me that I could do anything and go anywhere and that I would be fine, and that (more importantly) we would be fine no matter what. (I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve someone as kind and good and supportive and unconditional in his love…but, wow.) Maybe it was my friends and family so readily rallying behind me, supporting me as I went forth and started pounding the pavement (I had three different sets of friends who all live nowhere close to me offer to come here with big trucks and help me move if I had to do it.) It’s hard to say what finally forced my paradigm shift, but man, am I glad it happened.

It’s quite freeing, really; realizing you’re not in charge and giving up trying to control everything. Deciding to just let it all be what it is. And while I’m still actively looking for a new job (and secretly still a little sad and frustrated and angry and scared) I’m no longer worried. And I can look at all that’s happening here from the outside and appreciate it for what it is.

It’s not that I don’t care at all, because I do. And if I stay here next year, I will do my best and work hard as always. But somewhere in my head, I’ve given up the worry. And what that made me do all week, when things started to get tense, was to laugh and say “I don’t even kerrrrrrr.”

One of my co-workers commented this week that I seemed to be in a great mood. And I think that some of my other coworkers sorta thought I was being terse and insensitive or maybe just plain rude as I started shrugging things off so readily. But I have to be honest, right now, the way in which I’m making it through each day without losing my mind is by honestly being able to look the future in the face and say bring it on…I don’t even kerrrrrrrrr.