24 weeks, 6 days
I hate the phrase “in my opinion.”
Of *course* it’s your opinion. If it was someone else’s opinion you were spouting, it would be a quote (or plagiarism.) Additionally, tacking “humble” on to this phrase as in, “in my humble opinion” is ridiculous. Anyone who has to throw that in to the conversation probably isn’t really very humble to begin with and is most likely just trying to underline the importance of their point…snarkily (yup, still a word.)
All opinions are your own, because a person’s opinions are based on one thing only: one’s experiences. At some point, you read something or saw something or did something or felt something or heard something that has lead you to believe what it is you believe. Experience of some kind must precede an opinion. There’s no other way to get one that belongs to you.
And even then, I’m not sure I trust your opinion if you haven’t actually personally experienced the thing yourself. You can read about mountain climbing or watch people mountain climb or be besties with climbers whilst shopping at REI and wearing a carabineer on your belt at all times (belay on.) Those things will give you opinions on climbing, for sure. But until you’ve actually gone mountain climbing, I don’t think you get to have a legit stance on how hard it is or beautiful or fulfilling. You’re just working from other people’s notes until you’ve done it yourself.
I bring this up as a soon-to-be-first-time-mom because right now, I’m just working from other people’s notes on this whole life as a mother business. I have read things. I have seen things. I can guess based on past experiences how I’m going to react to things. But I don’t get to have a legitimate view on topic yet because I have yet to do it.
This turns out to be pretty ok, since everyone else on the planet seems to have an opinion that they are dying to share about what it’s going to be like when I am a parent.
Now, first off, don’t get me wrong. I love to hear stories. I appreciate hearing tips. I’ll listen to advice and cautionary tales all day long. Because I myself don’t have any of my own yet. So sure. Give it to me straight, doc. I can take it.
However.
It seems like what people *most* like to share regarding what it’s going to be like when I myself am a mom are what I like to call the “List of Lasts.”
“Enjoy it now, this is the last time you’ll be able to do that (fill in the blank of what “that” is based on whatever conversation you’re having with that someone at that moment.)
“Ah, if I would have known ahead of time what parenting would be like, I would have done more travel/ eating out/ drinking/ partying/ date nights/ movies/ sleeping/ fill-in-the-blank enjoyable, fairly routine activity, because when you have a kid you won’t be able to do any of that anymore.”
“Enjoy your alone time with your husband while you can. Once you have a kid that will be the last of that.”
“Enjoy your beach body while you can…” (Ok, so I’ve never really had a beach body, so I’m feeling alright about this one.)
“Enjoy being unencumbered while you can…” (Who in the world is really totally unencumbered ever, kids or not? I digress…)
I even have a small number of single friends (and/ or friends without kids) who have seemingly started to slowly write me off based on their assumptions of how I might deal with The Lasts, assuming that since we soon will have one less thing in common that I won’t want to/ be able to ever go back to doing any of those things on the List of Lasts again. “Can’t talk to her about sleeping in/ traveling/ partying because she’s going to be in mourning for those things for the next 18 years. Best not to include her thus reminding her of her former life…”
I gotta tell you people, you’re not doing a very good job of selling this whole parenthood thing to those of us who haven’t done it yet. Because for now, your opinions are the only notes I’ve got to work from. And they are bleak.
Now, I KNOW you’re trying to be helpful and encourage me to take full advantage of the next three months to the best of my ability. And I appreciate the head’s up. But dude. Come on. You’re killing me with regrets I didn’t even know I was supposed to have about a former life I haven’t even left yet.
Additionally, there is nothing in my past that would indicate to me that having a child is going to keep me from eventually sleeping/ traveling/ having a drink/ playing with my friends in the future. Frequency is probably going to take a hit, for sure. But I don’t feel like I as a person am going to fundamentally change who I am. My ability to get the chance to do the things I love? That’s gonna change, sure. But not the nature of what those things are. Maybe I’m wrong—again, I haven’t been there yet myself. But I just don’t see it happening. And I’d at least like to have the benefit of the doubt until I’ve got some experience proving the contrary. Not a List of Lasts, people. Just a List of Less Frequents.
All of that said, I do think there’s a silver lining here. I’m pretty confident all you parents out there SECRETLY have another list (but strangely don’t share with newbies): the List of Firsts.
First sight of your child. Her first smile. First bath. First nap on your chest. First kiss on the cheek. First word. First “ma ma” or “da-da.” First steps. I’m guessing all that stuff is pretty awesome. And totally worth the price of admission.
Of course, I don’t have frames of reference for those yet because I’ve never experienced them. And maybe that’s why you share your List of Lasts instead—Because I *do* have opinions on those things. But it’s a total downer people, seriously. You gotta learn to spin this thing called parenthood or only the totally boring are going to reproduce.
I blissfully don’t yet know what I’ll miss by being a mom. But here’s what I can tell you from my experience thus far. In the last two weeks, Baby River Dancer (as I like to call her) has started to move constantly. I can feel her now all the time practicing her best Michael Flatley impersonations. Last week, J put headphones on my belly and piped classical music right on in for her and she moved and rolled and kicked the whole time (either a hater or a future Beethoven.) And for the first time this week, I felt her hiccup, which is a strange and alien and amazing feeling.
These were my Firsts. And they were awesome. And now I get to have an opinion. And based on my experience, these were totally worth any Lasts I might give up for the time being. But then, that’s just one woman’s humble opinion.
I hate the phrase “in my opinion.”
Of *course* it’s your opinion. If it was someone else’s opinion you were spouting, it would be a quote (or plagiarism.) Additionally, tacking “humble” on to this phrase as in, “in my humble opinion” is ridiculous. Anyone who has to throw that in to the conversation probably isn’t really very humble to begin with and is most likely just trying to underline the importance of their point…snarkily (yup, still a word.)
All opinions are your own, because a person’s opinions are based on one thing only: one’s experiences. At some point, you read something or saw something or did something or felt something or heard something that has lead you to believe what it is you believe. Experience of some kind must precede an opinion. There’s no other way to get one that belongs to you.
And even then, I’m not sure I trust your opinion if you haven’t actually personally experienced the thing yourself. You can read about mountain climbing or watch people mountain climb or be besties with climbers whilst shopping at REI and wearing a carabineer on your belt at all times (belay on.) Those things will give you opinions on climbing, for sure. But until you’ve actually gone mountain climbing, I don’t think you get to have a legit stance on how hard it is or beautiful or fulfilling. You’re just working from other people’s notes until you’ve done it yourself.
I bring this up as a soon-to-be-first-time-mom because right now, I’m just working from other people’s notes on this whole life as a mother business. I have read things. I have seen things. I can guess based on past experiences how I’m going to react to things. But I don’t get to have a legitimate view on topic yet because I have yet to do it.
This turns out to be pretty ok, since everyone else on the planet seems to have an opinion that they are dying to share about what it’s going to be like when I am a parent.
Now, first off, don’t get me wrong. I love to hear stories. I appreciate hearing tips. I’ll listen to advice and cautionary tales all day long. Because I myself don’t have any of my own yet. So sure. Give it to me straight, doc. I can take it.
However.
It seems like what people *most* like to share regarding what it’s going to be like when I myself am a mom are what I like to call the “List of Lasts.”
“Enjoy it now, this is the last time you’ll be able to do that (fill in the blank of what “that” is based on whatever conversation you’re having with that someone at that moment.)
“Ah, if I would have known ahead of time what parenting would be like, I would have done more travel/ eating out/ drinking/ partying/ date nights/ movies/ sleeping/ fill-in-the-blank enjoyable, fairly routine activity, because when you have a kid you won’t be able to do any of that anymore.”
“Enjoy your alone time with your husband while you can. Once you have a kid that will be the last of that.”
“Enjoy your beach body while you can…” (Ok, so I’ve never really had a beach body, so I’m feeling alright about this one.)
“Enjoy being unencumbered while you can…” (Who in the world is really totally unencumbered ever, kids or not? I digress…)
I even have a small number of single friends (and/ or friends without kids) who have seemingly started to slowly write me off based on their assumptions of how I might deal with The Lasts, assuming that since we soon will have one less thing in common that I won’t want to/ be able to ever go back to doing any of those things on the List of Lasts again. “Can’t talk to her about sleeping in/ traveling/ partying because she’s going to be in mourning for those things for the next 18 years. Best not to include her thus reminding her of her former life…”
I gotta tell you people, you’re not doing a very good job of selling this whole parenthood thing to those of us who haven’t done it yet. Because for now, your opinions are the only notes I’ve got to work from. And they are bleak.
Now, I KNOW you’re trying to be helpful and encourage me to take full advantage of the next three months to the best of my ability. And I appreciate the head’s up. But dude. Come on. You’re killing me with regrets I didn’t even know I was supposed to have about a former life I haven’t even left yet.
Additionally, there is nothing in my past that would indicate to me that having a child is going to keep me from eventually sleeping/ traveling/ having a drink/ playing with my friends in the future. Frequency is probably going to take a hit, for sure. But I don’t feel like I as a person am going to fundamentally change who I am. My ability to get the chance to do the things I love? That’s gonna change, sure. But not the nature of what those things are. Maybe I’m wrong—again, I haven’t been there yet myself. But I just don’t see it happening. And I’d at least like to have the benefit of the doubt until I’ve got some experience proving the contrary. Not a List of Lasts, people. Just a List of Less Frequents.
All of that said, I do think there’s a silver lining here. I’m pretty confident all you parents out there SECRETLY have another list (but strangely don’t share with newbies): the List of Firsts.
First sight of your child. Her first smile. First bath. First nap on your chest. First kiss on the cheek. First word. First “ma ma” or “da-da.” First steps. I’m guessing all that stuff is pretty awesome. And totally worth the price of admission.
Of course, I don’t have frames of reference for those yet because I’ve never experienced them. And maybe that’s why you share your List of Lasts instead—Because I *do* have opinions on those things. But it’s a total downer people, seriously. You gotta learn to spin this thing called parenthood or only the totally boring are going to reproduce.
I blissfully don’t yet know what I’ll miss by being a mom. But here’s what I can tell you from my experience thus far. In the last two weeks, Baby River Dancer (as I like to call her) has started to move constantly. I can feel her now all the time practicing her best Michael Flatley impersonations. Last week, J put headphones on my belly and piped classical music right on in for her and she moved and rolled and kicked the whole time (either a hater or a future Beethoven.) And for the first time this week, I felt her hiccup, which is a strange and alien and amazing feeling.
These were my Firsts. And they were awesome. And now I get to have an opinion. And based on my experience, these were totally worth any Lasts I might give up for the time being. But then, that’s just one woman’s humble opinion.
And scene!!! Nicely said lady! I think these things all of the time. Brad and I always saying "we love to travel so why wouldn't we share that with our kiddo? Of course it will be different but not eliminated."
ReplyDeleteI plan to take this wild little woman of ours kayaking for the first time next weekend and I'm hoping the motion is enjoyable to her b/c, like you, I LOVE FEELING HER MOVE and even though the movement isn't a first for me it is in its own right. She's sharing her brother's former "home" but they are their own unique little wonders & have their own ways of moving and grooving. I presume & hope that all of our futures as parents & families will be full of uniqueness and wonder and firsts within the changes and challenges. xoxo
Angela & Kathleen, the two future Best & Most Fun Moms EVER! I'm sure of it!!! xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteHuh. Totally not what I thought this was going to be about. A few weeks ago, I read (and bought) a beautiful book by Karen Kingsbury called "Let Me Hold You Longer", about a parent wistfully watching her child grow up before her eyes. The book talked a lot about lasts and firsts, in a wonderful way. One reviewer said it best: "One important thing this book points out is that we tend to have pictures and records of important FIRSTS of our children, but we don't have those for the LASTS, because we never know when the last time they do something is going to come, and we're not looking for the lasts, as we look for the firsts." So, when my little guy asks me to snuggle with him in his big boy bed, I do it every time...because one day far too soon, he won't ask and that time will be over. Those are the lasts I'm thinking about these days, and making the most of all of them. :-)
ReplyDeleteAs for your thoughts, here's my two cents: You will figure out how to fit into your life whatever is truly important. For those who say, for example, "go to the movies now, because that time is over once the kids come." have only a grain of truth in it. Perhaps you will go to the movies less often as a parent (no time? no sleep? no cash?), but perhaps you will find a substitute that is equally satisfying, like date night on the couch, watching an on-demand movie with your hubby and holding your sleeping little one in your lap. You're not going to stop doing the things you love, you're just going to do them differently. Hooray for different!! E pluribus unum! (Have no regrets, baby...full speed ahead.) :-D