Defying Gravity

41 weeks down
12 weeks to go (less than three months…we’re so close.)
8 months (to the day!) until the wedding

And so begins a new year. I do not feel like it will be surprising to any of you to hear that I’m pretty amped about the year 2010 being over. It’s been a doozey, yes? And let’s be honest…2011 is the year J comes home and we get married. So that’s fun. (Note to self…carve out some time soon to plan that pesky wedding.)

I’ve been reflecting a lot on what this last, crap-tastic year has taught me, and what I can point to as the “take-aways” (business school buzzword anyone?) Because remarkably (and possibly even contrary to what you might think from the *marginally* cynical nature of my writing here) I do truly believe that we learn and grow from everything put in our path: good, bad, or ugly…maybe even especially from the bad and ugly. And so in that vein, I feel safe in saying that I must be BRILLIANT from all the learning and growing achieved by the bad and ugly put smack-dab directly in my path during 2010. (Even year, my ass.)

Probably not surprisingly to you all, I felt like I should try to sum up the year in song (my life, it is summed up in song.) I thought about what my personal year LP might sound like. In my head, it was a surreal combination of the soundtrack of a 1940’s black and white film and an early Alanis Morissette album: longing and nostalgic; simple and melodic, and simultaneously mad and angsty and cynical, and perpetually putting me at-the-ready to shake my fist at the world. (That’s not schizophrenic, right?)

So ok. There’s been a little bitterness in the last 9 months especially. And some crankiness in the job search and find and adjustment. And some mild health blah. Oh, and my fiancé is 7200 miles away at war. Ok yes—I’ve had some legit reasons to be a wee bit frustrated with life.

But when I dug deep and truly examined my year, I realized that more than anger and sadness; more than disappointment and longing; more than all the rest of the low lows, there were very high highs, especially in the lives of those closest to me. And there was triumph. And perseverance. And resolution. And the slightest glimpse of what life is going to look like for me soon (“The thin horizon of a plan is almost clear…”)

And I realized that I don’t really have a New Year’s Resolution. But rather, I think I have found some resolution in the new year. And I like that better.

Yes. We can definitely tick off the “everyone picks that one” resolution-type edicts: I am reenergized to return to my new job (which I won’t be able to call new much longer) and kick some ass and take some names. And yes. I am newly refocused (again, once more) on health and diet and fitness (I’m actually really excited about getting to the gym and getting back on the Healthy Train that’s been strangely parked at the station labeled Butter Products for several months now.) Renew and Refresh. I’m in.

But I still felt like I needed a 2010 soundtrack. Or better yet, not the whole album, just the single: My own 2010 Song of the Year (because the Grammy people *always* get it wrong.) What sums up my year: triumph, renewal, rising above, gathering strength and coming out above doubt and sadness?

As a Christmas gift, I took my father to see Wicked. In addition to the tickets, I also bought him the book and the soundtrack. As we were driving to see the show, we listened to the show CD: Dad, my best friend A, and me. When we got to the song “Defying Gravity” (best ending to any Act I of a musical ever by the way) I mentioned that whenever I heard the song it made me cry. Every.single.time. since the first time I had heard it.

After listening to the song together (tears streaming down my face, obviously) A and Dad agreed that it was powerfully sung, but didn’t really see why it made me cry. Good song—but why so emotional?

I started thinking about why the song had that kind of effect on me, and why it had since the very first time I had heard it.

It occurred to me that this year I had felt a lot like the character in the show singing it…that my year had really truly been about rising above something that seemed impossible to transcend, and doing so with the kind of determination and fervor that didn’t leave my motivation or intentions to question. I was gonna do it, because I had to do it. Shut up, and get to work already. No big deal—just defy gravity.

I loved it because it meant something to me. I got it. Whether my trials this year were real or imagined, I could hear myself singing this song to the people I met on the street in answer to their probing questions and half-smiles of doubt (that wouldn’t have been weird at all, right? Randomly breaking out in song?) This song summed up the courage that I think needed to get through this year that I didn’t even realize I had needed. I had just, in the immortal words of Stephen Schwartz, “closed my eyes and leaped.”

And so I guess if I was going to have any kind of new year’s resolution; the one promise I want to hold myself to this year; a goal to be steadfastly set upon, it would be to continue to be strong enough and courageous enough to try defying gravity: to never accept something less than what is acceptable; to never quit because things seems too hard; to never choose the path of least resistance merely because I can; and to always stay true to myself and what I know in my heart to be right regardless of naysayers.

And that’s what I would wish you all in the new year too: courage to never give up on what it is you know to be real. Strength to go forward into 2011 fearlessly, setting your sites upon what you know needs to be done no matter how terrifying it seems. And not feeling scared by taking a leap of faith, but rather to be freed by it.

And so in that spirit, I have pasted below a good portion of the lyrics of the song “Defying Gravity” from the Broadway musical Wicked. It closes Act I in which two best friends have a falling out over an ideological difference. And while one decides to sit by passively so as to not ruffle feathers, our fearless lead (and the person whose part of the song I have included below…the ones that have inspired me so this year) chooses to fight for what she believes in even when she doesn’t feel supported and she knows it might cost her dearly.

Here’s to bravery, friends. And a seriously better 2011.

Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me; Something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.
Too late for second-guessing; Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time to trust my instincts- Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change, but till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost.
Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down:

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately: "Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free.
To those who'd ground me, take a message back from me.

Tell them how I am defying gravity
I'm flying high, defying gravity.
And soon I'll match them in renown…
And nobody in all of Oz, no Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

Idina and Kristen sing Defying Gravity