Reverie

My high school yearbook was called “Reverie.” Because of that, I think I’ve always thought that the word reverie had something to do with memories…something to do with reminiscing (yet another example of the miseducation of my youth.) And it was always tinged, as memories often are, with just a bit of sadness in my mind. Reverie always meant per my definition “remembering fondly and longingly for something in the past” (which is kind of ironic since nothing that happened to me in high school or that was printed in that yearbook can be described as either remembered fondly or longed for. But that’s not my point here today. )

All these years when I heard songs use the word “reverie” (which, let’s be honest, is just in jazz standards and show tunes. I don’t know a lot of current artists toiling over trying to work that word into their lyrics anywhere…) it always meant dreaming of days of yore with just a titch (it’s a word, slang though it may be) of melancholy.

Come to find out, I am mistaken. (J is pulling out a calendar and writing this day down for posterity and future torment. The day I admitted…in WRITING no less, that I was incorrect.)

But I was close, because it does have to do with letting the mind drift to other thoughts. But as it turns out, it doesn’t necessarily mean recalling the past, nor does it connote sadness. It is in fact rather from the French (ah, the French) for delirium and wandering. It literally means “the condition of being lost in thought.” Or better yet, it means to daydream.

To daydream. I like the word even *more* now. (Add it to the list.)

I can admit out loud at this point in the game that I was sure far before J asked me to marry him that that was the path we were on. In fact, I knew (for me) very early in the game. I believe, after about our third date (which remember, came after three years of solid friendship) that I said to our mutual friend C something like, “If we don’t screw this up by getting in our own way and being stupid, this is the real deal.” Granted, the actual engagement day/ time/ procedure was a complete and utter surprise to me (I was definitely the last person to know it was happening.) But not the whole we’re-probably-going-to-get-engaged-someday part. That I’ve known for a while.

When I found out that J was going to have to go back Over There for a year, I told C that if J was thinking of proposing to me, you know, EVER in his life, that I really hoped he did it before he went back Over There. I needed something to keep me busy while he was gone…something to keep me focused on the happily-ever-after rather than the tedious-here-and-now…and something to keep me actively moving forward toward future US- capital U, capital S. I could not possibly have known at the time how dead-on that was going to be in terms of me making it through a deployment.

Because I gotta be honest. Reverie is my life line right now…my air supply (as in, my sustenance not the soft-rock, Australian 80’s ballad producing duo.) Reverie’s what I’ve got. And I’m getting really good at it.

Now, I’ve always been one of the more imaginative people I know. I can dream up A LOT. And when you couple that with the fact that I am not only a daydreamer with a good imagination, but also a PLANNER, well. My daydreams are never half-baked; let’s just say that. I have a contingency plan for every possible potential daydream outcome.

Here’s a prime example: I am convinced that I am going to win Publisher’s Clearinghouse someday. Not like, sorta think it’s possible, but actually truly believe that it’s going to happen for me. And maybe all poor people have that same dream, but I honestly believe it to be real (I’ve seen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory a LOT of times. Publisher’s Clearinghouse = my Golden Ticket.) At any rate, one of my best girlfriends is a financial planner. And, true story, we have already discussed things like taxes on winnings, lump sum payouts versus annuities, and how much can be given at any one time as a gift to someone without raising tax questions. Yup. Knock on my door tomorrow, Publisher’s Clearinghouse. I’m already covered. (P.S. I’d like to go on record as saying, you know, should any P.C. folks be reading along, that I’m a really generous person, and J is even more so than me…and giving us this money would do lots and lots of people a lot of good, not just us. I promise. You know…just in case you were wondering.)

So now, you’ve got my frequent (and necessary for sanity) daydreaming. You’ve got my way-too-overly-active-imagination (I’m winning Publisher’s Clearinghouse.) You’ve got my planning penchant (my nickname is the Binder Bitch, as you may recall.) And now, add to that my time of transition and my copious amounts of J-less free time. What this spells, my friends (I’ve mixed metaphors…perhaps I should say “what this equals...”) What this equals, my friends, is me being completely, utterly, 100% head-in-the-clouds-broken-with-realty, lost-in-thought All Day Long right now. Reverie, indeed.

When J first left, it was wedding daydreams primarily. Picturing the day with one dress v. another. One set of flowers v. another. Summer wedding v. fall wedding. Big wedding; little wedding. Red flowers; white roses. Bridesmaids in blue v. flame. And then, for each of these scenarios, I had planned out the contingencies. “If three bridesmaids in red (which they all look very good in) in the fall, then they’ll be summer tan, so that’ll look good…but how do we get A here for the fitting at the same time as CA & CI, when she has kids going back to school…and CI will have just had a baby and CA potentially might be pregnant by then so, what dress will look good on all three, and….” Well, you get the general idea.

I think it goes without saying that I’ve stepped reverie and planning up to a whole new level.*

* Please note my use of the phrase “a whole new”. This is in lieu of the phrase which many of you might have tried using “a whole nother.” I hope when you see that latter phrase in print, you realize how wrong it is when you are saying it. Because you say it. I promise you say it. Everyone says it. But as you can clearly see, “nother” is not, in fact a word. It isn’t even an abbreviated word, because you’re not trying to say “a whole another.” What you are TRYING to say is either 1) a whole other or 2) another. Correct iterations of the sentence above include: 1) I’ve stepped planning up to a whole other level; 2) I’ve stepped planning up to another level, or my personal choice; 3) I’ve stepped planning up to a whole new level. Incorrect usage of the English language at work in the sentence above: I’ve stepped planning up to a whole nother level. Come on. Spell check doesn’t even let you do it. Get it together people.

Yesterday, I applied for three different jobs in three different cities with three different application deadlines. Talk about daydreaming. For each job, I have figured out the “if they should call, I could interview when.” I have thought about how to rent out my place. I have thought about where I’d live. How I’d move. I’ve looked at apartments. Looked at houses. Looked for job opportunities for J in each of the areas. I have looked at short term housing and buying a home. I have found storage units available to stash my stuff temporarily should I need to move in the next five days of my life. I’ve planned my “two week’s notice” speech. I’ve interviewed for all three jobs in my mind. I found our dream house online through a real estate agent and have played out the scenarios “so, if I work here for the next two years and then when J gets home he can’t find a job there and we have to move to a different city, then we rent the house out, we move to here, we…” pant. pant. pant.

I realize that the potential for setting myself up for heartbreak is high. There’s no reason to believe that I’ll get interviews for these jobs. That I’ll be doing anything other than exactly what I’m doing right here and right now. No dream house. Just this apartment. No moving from this town to some exciting city. Just the predictable sameness of another year here. I know that having a big imagination and the penchant for daydreaming BIG has the side effect of crushing disappointment sometimes.

But a girl can dream, can’t she?

I know, that I’m probably not winning Publisher’s Clearinghouse. I know that I’m probably not getting a new job…or apartment…or dream house anytime in the near future. But that’s ok. Because right now, these dreams of the “what’s next” are keeping me really good company. And when that someday comes, which I’m certain it will, I’ll be prepared for it.

The comforting thought in all of this is that daydreaming about the wedding…that’s not a dream. That’s real. Spending the rest of my life with a man I love more than I ever dreamed I could. Also real. So maybe dreaming big isn’t such a bad thing. Maybe it’s self-fulfilling. And as the French philosopher Gaston Bachelard said, “Reverie is not a mind vacuum. It is rather the gift of an hour which knows the plentitude of the soul.”

I’m blessed to have that gift in abundance at work in my life right now. And if you see me and I seem lost in thought, it’s because I probably am. Just let me have it. I’m most likely arranging china on our Thanksgiving table, in our home of 30 years, together with J, our kids, their kids and the dog.